Exchange of Realities

More from the unofficial mentor of Hands of Darkness everywhere!

So maybe you want an extra set of eyes watching over you (or one that you can watch through). Or you need something to run messages through your Dark Citadel. Or something that can give you an entirely new perspective on your evil plans, or will just sit by you and in your lap and listen as you explain exactly how you plan on taking over the world or getting rid of those pesky heroes. (Fifty percent of obligatory expositors do so because they never had anyone they could gloat to. Another thirty percent are being forced to by the Laws of Dramatics, but have never learned to invoke the Cutscene Principle. All of them could benefit by this.) If so, you’re probably considering acquiring an animal companion.

Now, I’m sure you all know the rules about making sure it’s properly fed, watered and groomed; about knowing its temperament so you can make sure it only eats the minions you want it to; about housebreaking so it doesn’t leave messes in your laboratory or maul your best cape (unless you like having random messes that The Hero can slip on, but I personally prefer those to be lab accidents so they damage more than the little snot’s dignity); possibly about getting it fixed so you don’t have to deal with a whole houseful of the little devils; certainly about making sure that it likes you enough that the hero can’t recruit it with a big steak or a scratch behind the frills—I don’t need to tell you all that, right?

Good.

But there are other things you might want to consider, including species. Now, I know hellhounds and Leathery-Winged Avians are all the rage these days. Or predatory birds with glowing red eyes. I can see the logic there; they’re blasted impressive, and definitely scary in a fight. Problem is, they don’t fit in worth anything, and if they’re the kind that fights you really don’t want to get to attached, because, well, heroes. ‘Nuff said.

I prefer small things, that can fit in your lap or on your shoulder, and that primarily work as spies or scouts for you. (Particularly if you’ve got a way to see through their eyes.) For an added bonus, you can have them hide when you’re dealing with the heroes, particularly if they’re carrying the Key to Your Power. Small things are very good at running away, after all.

Don’t discount the possibility of using something cute. Sure, it may not be too good for your Hellspawn cred, but look it it this way. It might distract the more fluffy-thing oriented heroes (there’s one in every party, after all). It establishes your own human side—unless you’re a puppy-kicker, but honestly, puppy-kicking for puppy-kicking’s own sake is silly. Besides, admit it. You can’t resist those eyes either. (Me, I’m all about the sugar gliders. Little bit of aerial mobility, definitely good climbers, and epic curiosity.)

Or something that’s just plain innocuous, if all you want is a vehicle for your scrying. A pigeon, maybe. Or a sparrow. Or maybe a mouse if you prefer looking inside citadels. It doesn’t stand out, making it a better spy, and really, who’s going to believe that the Master of Dark Veils or whatever your byline is, the one with all that power and intimidation factor, would be using a common pigeon?

If you’re going to make it big and obvious, at least make it useful in ways that don’t require direct combat with the heroes. Like… well, eating misbehaving minions. Or carrying your Rod of Power. Or having half the traps in your citadel triggered by pressure plates but targeting somewhere else, and letting Dark Fluffles lead the heroes on a merry chase through your labyrinth triggering every trap in the place to fall on them. The possibilities are endless.

Remember to think carefully about your choices. An animal companion is a big decision and, like all plans, should be considered from all angles.

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