Exchange of Realities

When the regular writer’s off whale-watching, who better to fill in than GV?

Evil is hard work. Particularly aggressive, overlord evil. Eventually the demands of the job get to be too much, and you find yourself with a decision to make: take a break, or get so worn out that you’re easy pickings for that overambitious lieutenant on your staff.

Not much of a choice, is it?

I’d tell you about all the little details of vacationing, but really, if your Evil Powers can’t get you a decent travel brochure or tourbook, either you shouldn’t have taken the job or you’re so far gone that The Coup is going to be a true mercy. Instead, I’ll stick to Hand of Darkness-relevant issues.

First off, where are you going? Vacationing somewhere in your usual range means that everyone will know and fear you. It’s good for service—you’ll be the first served, the best treated, your every whim seen to because they know perfectly well you could have the place razed with very little effort. Moreover, your minions will know where to find you if a hero surfaces, meaning you’ll know quickly and be able to respond. The bad news? That oh-so-enthusiastic service may extend to a complimentary dash of cyanide. Or you might run into a hero yourself, and believe you me, heroes don’t take vacations. (Even when they’re technically on vacation—if they are, the odds that you’ll end up in the same place skyrocket. The Laws of Dramatics don’t respect time off.)

On the other hand, if your reach is small enough or your world/universe big enough (or you have the power to skip off to another universe), you can go somewhere where they haven’t heard of you yet. Granted, you don’t get the fear-tinged perfect service, but the odds of someone trying to kill you also diminish. Of course, there are catches. You can’t encourage better service by making an example of the waiters if you want to keep the relative safety. It’ll probably be harder for your minions to get ahold of you if an emergency occurs. If you’re far enough out, you’ll probably need to learn new customs and try to fit in, particularly if they’re as hostile to clueless foreigners as your people might be to Evil Overlords. But no assassins for the obvious reasons, potential hero-types won’t recognize you, and best of all, if you really need to do something evil to keep your edge, you can start setting up your conquest of said vacation site.

Anonymous vacations in familiar territory can also work, but I find they feature most of the downsides of the earlier choices and very few of the upsides, and they require that you be good at being not-you. Though if you’ve got the skill, they do provide excellent chances to win hero-types to your side.

What about your operations while you’re out? Do you let your minions know you’re on break, or do you replace yourself with an illusion? Is there anyone you trust to stay in control and contact you? Make sure you have a plan—know exactly who knows where you are, and make sure they can get in contact with you if something goes wrong. Multiple contacts and failsafes will help if someone turns traitor. Speaking of which, if you’ve got a potential troublemaker in your ranks, the vacation is the perfect time to bring in a trap assignment/position with which to test their loyalty. When they think the cat’s away, the mice will play.

Have a way to get back. Preferably a fast one. The Laws of Dramatics are fond enough of irony that it’s practically guaranteed something is going to go wrong while you’re off elsewhere; it’s best to make sure that you can respond quickly.

On the other hand, remember that you’re on vacation. You may be worried about whether 25 and 47 are behaving, how the mad science is going, or whether the prisoner in Cell Block 6 is still being properly drugged in your absence, but that doesn’t mean you should constantly zip back and check. For one thing, it runs contrary to your objective in taking a vacation; for another, it makes it that much more obvious that these little details are weaknesses that can be exploited. (If you want to have a false-return to bait a trap, though, power to you!)

Inspiration often strikes while you’re doing something else, so make sure you have a way to keep from losing your Evil Ideas if you get them over the break. So, unfortunately, do enemies, so don’t let your guard down, even in safe territory. The Laws of Dramatics find it too amusing.

Most of all, have fun and unwind so you can come back ready to take on several crises and the Forces of Good. Happy travels!

GV may be in a vacation mindset, but evil never sleeps—more advice can be found here.