Exchange of Realities

The Generic Villain’s address to a crowd of female villains at EvilCon continues. For those who missed the first half, transcripts can be found here.

And speaking of not being able to keep your urges out of your villainy…

Reports are saying that over 60% of you are secretly in love with one of your current opponents. Sixty percent! This just isn’t going to cut it. Take a long, long look at your situation. Consider why you signed on with this outfit. Do you really want to risk throwing that all away for someone who’s trying to kill you? (More heroes than you think consider this point. See female armor, Point 1.) Consider the following: 5% rate of seduction, as mentioned earlier, and most of those who succeed do so because they are NOT in love with said protagonist. 50% of overlords have lost lieutenants to either redemption or pointless self-sacrifice for the hero’s sake—another 10% have had to execute lieutenants who looked like they were considering said path.

Moreover, consider the types you generally fall for. One: rakish, charismatic bards. Yes, he probably is Just That Good. But that’s why you should be worried about him. Given his reputation for one night stands, he’s not going to stay with you even if you do attract him. Probably just use you and move on. In this case, it’s best to not try to figure out what you’re missing. If you want a night like that, summon an incubus. Two: hopelessly noble and usually somewhat innocent heroes with destinies. Problem is, either they’re too innocent for you to have any luck with, they’ve been issued Love Interests they actually care about in case of just such an event (and if so will probably go berserk if you kill the love interest—and if you don’t, the love interest might kill you), or their teammates saw this coming and are using them as bait. Either way, you lose.

And while we’re discussing sacrifice, did you know that twice as many women as men in ranking positions in our organizations die for their overlords, sometimes pointlessly? Look, I don’t care about stereotypes from the Originating World, I don’t care if you think this is a Laws of Dramatics thing, I don’t care what makes you think this is the way the world works. None of this “kinder, gentler, self-sacrificing sex” nonsense. Our contracts make us exceptions to those rules. Besides, we’re Hands of Darkness. We’re villains. We should act like it! Heroic sacrifices are for heroes; sacrificing ourselves for the cause is one thing, but for mere people? Enough!

Any questions?

After the requisite pause for questions, GV continues.

And speaking of stereotypes and ways of working around them, ladies in evil as a class come across as far too easy to subdue. In order to demonstrate proper ways of dealing with this issue, I will need a—ah, never mind. We have a perfectly good volunteer right here. You, in the standing room only section—yes, you, with the sound transmission device, you know exactly who I’m talking to. Come up here, or die. You have five seconds.

And again, the recording cuts off at this point. Tune in next Sunday for further reports, or look for further Generic Villainy here.