Exchange of Realities

Protagonists. They’re everywhere; if you’re planning to revive a dead god, set off a cataclysm, or just get a cup of tea from the local grocery store, you’re going to run into one. They’re at your library, under your boots, walking down the same roads. They’re in your castle, killing your minions; they’re in your chambers, seducing your consort (and probably misspelling at least one of the above words in the process. Many have trouble with ‘your’). And invariably, they will find a way to get between you and your plans. Even if it is just getting tea.

The worst part is, if you’re not careful you might not even know it’s them. You let your guard down for one moment, and next thing you know, that person over there whom you’ve marked as a target, pushed aside in your rush to get to something bigger, sat down to a friendly cup of tea or board game with, or, Dark Powers forbid, fallen in love with turns out to be a Protagonist. How do you avoid such a dangerous embarrassment?

Know how to spot them ahead of time.

Fortunately, protagonists are pretty easy to spot, as there are many characteristics that set them apart from the crowd. While on their own, these traits are often innocuous, anyone with three or more of them should be watched very, very carefully.

• Strange hair or eye color. While this can be ignored if everyone has an odd hair or eye color, it’s still a decent indicator; the more unnatural the color is, the likelier they are to be trouble. (That, or they’re rebellious teenagers with contacts and/or hair dye. But given that 35% of heroes are rebellious teenagers…) If the hair itself looks like it could be used as a lethal weapon, this is also a probable indicator. And if they’re clearly foreign, step carefully until you know why they’re there. Narrative causality tends not to uproot people without a reason.
• Magical artifacts. From crystalline pendants to mystical belts, magical instruments to weapons that you’d expect to be too showy to be usable, the shiniest objects are usually in the hands of the most troublesome people. If you see someone toting such a thing, be very, very careful; odds are you’ll be on the wrong end of it within the month.
• Oddities in speech. I don’t mean distinctive speech patterns, per se; those are usually reserved for comic relief companions (though you can use a companion to locate a primary protagonist; I will discuss this more in depth later). But protagonists have their own patterns: some of the most common include obsession about the concept of friendship (either supporting it at every turn, or making a fuss over discovering it if they’ve been isolated), a proclivity towards shouting melodramatic challenges, or a complete absence of verbal communication.
• Age. Most protagonists are twenty years old or younger, often in the ten to eighteen year old range.
• Financial stability/apparently sourceless income. Most people who need to work hard to keep a roof above their heads and food on the family table don’t tend to go out into the wide world looking for evils to fight. On the other hand, someone with nothing better to do is that much likelier to have time to get in your way—or their income comes from hero-behavior, making foiling your plans part of how they keep afloat. While this is not completely reliable, it can serve as a good indicator, particularly for hero-types above the age of twenty or so.
• Markings of the divine/extraordinary. If someone is favored by a god, clearly marked with some sort of sign of blood or magic, or clearly shows signs of an otherworldly bloodline, and this person is not a member of the clergy or otherwise affiliated with people who are all prone to showing these signs, that person is probably a protagonist. These markings don’t necessarily have to be positive, either; protagonists have a knack for acquiring curses, supernatural death sentences, marks of displeasure and other signs of disfavor from the forces of darkness everywhere. (This does not appear to slow them down, but at least it helps to single them out.)
• Rare/unprecedented powers. If the rare/unprecedented power is one that could potentially ruin your current undertaking, it’s even more likely that its wielder is a protagonist. Even if not, it’s highly probable; after all, people with unique powers are objects of narrative interest, and narrative interest often results in protagonism.

So now you can probably see him coming. But what is going through the mind of this mysterious and meddlesome creature? Come back next week to find out.

Being obsessed with the protagonists may be standard fare, but there’s plenty more the Generic Villain talks about. Check it out!